about
Rodd Walsh
This skit starts out a little strange, but it seems to be a harmless straightforward parody on morning radio DJs, which it kind of is at first. It’s just a Philadelphia alternative rock station 105.9, similar to Philadelphia’s actual 104.5, which has interviews with artists on it all of the time and listening to those interviews is such a waste of fucking time unless you are listening to an interview in order to gain inspiration to write a satire outlining how much of a fucking waste of time listening to these interviews is. First off, the artists rarely have much to offer in the realm of cooperative brain activity, and even if they did the questions are meaningless. The radio DJs, and this opinion is shared by many, are the dumbest, most ego-centric clowns on the face of the planet. They are so goddamn boring and are too stupid to know just how boring they are. The irony of course is that their job is talk into a microphone for four hours a day to tens of thousands of people. Hundreds of thousands! Depending on their numbers. Holy shit, I am rambling. Anyways the skit simply starts off as a satire of morning radio, it introduces the author of the previously heard song “I Have Nothing to Say and I’m Saying It”, Rodd Walsh, and it pokes fun at some anti-gay marriage arguments, makes fun of stoners, makes fun of radio DJs, and then it turns out that the entire event took place in Rodd Walsh’s mind as he was lying in the emergency room after a suicide attempt. Today was his sister’s birthday, she had killed herself some years back, he got depressed because her birthday reminded him of the fact that he might have been unintentionally responsible for her death and so he stayed home and tried to kill himself. They say in the moments before death you can have strange, even hilarious hallucinations, this was Rodd’s. He imagined a corny radio studio and himself as a band and then he hears his own self trying to convince himself to wake up. The end of the skit when the background drone builds and you can hear a heart monitor, Rodd is lucidly trying to wake up from this self-induced coma, unfortunately he fails, compressed distortion takes over and then we hear “The Skidmark” say “We’ll be right back after these messages” meaning Rodd is going to spend more time in this limbo in his own consciousness, he may never wake up. The advertisement at the end for “Seretarol” is an advertisement for the pill Rodd used to end his own life. The tag-line is “keep that shit inside where it belongs”, use Seretarol to keep your emotions inside. The piano piece at the end is a song I wrote called “Great Day for Strange Cruetly” it’s what Rodd continues to hear as his coma progresses.
lyrics
[transcript]
you're listening to chelsea and the skidmark on mrm's 105.9 philadelphia's home of alternative rock.
*laughter*
hey philadelphia fans. thanks for tuning in to 105.9 this is chelsea and the skidmark in the morning. we're here with singer/songwriter rodd walsh who's promoting his new album. rodd thanks for being here buddy.
yeah man. thanks.
so rodd, give it to me straight. you’re a cali boy. what brings you out to the city of brotherly love?
uh yeah we’re on tour now uh promoting some new stuff. playing some venues. playing some uh festivals. it’s pretty crazy, especially with this bus now. i mean you pass out in time square, you wake up in a radio studio in south philly man it’s nuts.
hah! rock and roll, dude. i mean that’s crazy you gotta grab that bull by the horns and ride it all night long hahaha yeah chelsea knows what i’m talking about.
you just gotta have some drinks and go crazy!
well uh i mean it is crazy i don’t know i think some of us might have a problem. i mean it's just you can’t stop and every day it just gets a little worse…
hahaha so punk rock. it’s awesome! so anyways rodd, what are you promoting here today?
uh well we have a new single out.
what’s it called bruhh?
it’s called i have nothing to say and i’m saying it.
*laughter*
that’s like some frederick mitchem kind of one liner. it’s terrific. i love it.
it’s so cute!
thank you
so who do you hit the road with these days roddy boy?
uh right now i am on tour with free beer and bummer status
mhm mhm yeah solid solid solid bands i mean i’ve actually never heard of them but i’m looking now and they have a ton of followers so they must be doing something right ey todd? haha
it’s actually rodd
whatever
i’m just saying
not more followers than me
so rodd. how’s cali life? i mean just walk me through it a little bit. will ya?
uh it’s great man i mean there's tons of really amazing minds and amazing people out there i have the privilege of working with and the weather is gorgeous and you get to do a lot of..
they legalize gay marriage over there. how do you feel about that whole thing?
uh i think they legalized it here too? uh are you sure you’re not thinking about pot?
hahaha pot! with all due respect rodd. uh you have no idea what you’re talking about..
oh skid mark! leave him alone!
i mean regardless, i think it’s great. two people love each other. they want to spend the rest of their lives together. i think that's great.
but where does it end rodd? i mean.. if i go to california, can i marry a horse? hahahaha i mean. you know what i’m saying??
i don’t think you can marry a horse? no
i know i can’t marry a horse now rodd, okay? what i’m saying is, if a guy can marry a guy and a gal can marry a gal, i mean… soon, a guy can marry a horse and a horse can marry a chicken i mean… it’s just madness, man!
well i think the difference is that if you were to marry a horse, a horse doesn’t know it’s getting married.. i mean it’s a horse. it doesn’t know. you know, the difference is that when two human adults get married, they, you know… they have free will. they're planning that. that's where the distinction is.
i used to ride horses!
so you’re saying i can’t marry horse, rodd? mhm?
well i mean if you can find a horse with sentience and it wants to spend the rest of its life with you i think yeah! by all means, put a ring on it’s hoof and raise yourself a couple of centaurs.
*laughter*
oh this guy! rodd, you literally make me want to go home, drink a bottle of jim beam, drive over to my ex wife’s house, knock on her door, demand for her to have sex with me one last time before i blow my brains out. haha because you’re so god damn perceptive. you’ve got your finger on the pulse, man. it’s crazy.
ohhh skidmark!
i don’t.. i…. i’m so confused
i think what skidmarks really saying is
[silly noises]
ohhhhh reggie put that away!!!
what is going on??
hahaha sorry about that rodd. you’re gonna have to excuse him. that’s reggie the reckless.
he’s as reckless as a mother
i mean…what are you talking about, skidmark? i saw you do that voice. there’s no other guy in here. it’s just you doing that voice in a microphone.
rodd, what are you talking about bro? reggie the reckless is our stuntman. alright? he pulled his dick out. alright?
i mean you’re doing my voice right now..
rodd, what are you saying?
and now i mean there's no one else here
rodd?
it’s just you i mean, i am you….
okay i literally can’t right now.
rodd buddy, did you take a little crazy juice last night? i mean come on. what are you saying?
rodd walsh. rodd walsh..
why do you keep saying your name?
no it’s your name. its your name. rodd walsh. it’s your name. it’s my name. it’s your name. this is us. this is me. we’re doing this right now..
oh god.
okay we need to wake up. we need to wake up now, okay?
rodd, you’re scaring chelsea.
wake up! for god's sake rod! wake up now!
rodd, buddy.. you gotta calm down. chelsea is freaking out man..
got it.. igot it.. whos chelsea? who’s chelsea? who is she? who is she?
she’s my friend.
she’s your sister god damn it! she’s your sister. she’s your sister.
oh yeah..
today’s her birthday. okay? it made you really upset. why did it make you upset rodd?
uh
she died rodd. she died in a car crash.. okay? she died two years ago, okay?
oh yeah…
do you remember anything about that night?
uh… i was driving?
okay. do you remember anything else?
um… i was high?
yeah. you were high, rodd. because of that you blame yourself. for two years. it wasn’t your fault and you both know that.
don’t say it! don’t say it!
nooo!
it wasn’t your fault. okay?
noo!
today was her birthday. alright? do you remember what happened?
no!
okay. you stayed home from work. you called out sick.
don’t say it! don’t say it!
you tried to kill yourself.
ohhhhh
you tried to kill yourself.
you need to wake up. you need to wake up, rodd.
come on rodd. wake up or you’ll die. we don’t want to die. come on rodd. wake up! wake up right now!
we’ll be right back with more chelsea and skidmark in the morning after these messages.
this program is brought to you by seretarol keep that shit inside where it belongs
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